Wednesday, March 21, 2012

i am a perfectionist.
i can't leave well enough alone and 
i can improve something--anything, i will obsess over it in my mind until it's done.
but i must--i am compelled to DO. 
i asked my husband, "why am i this way? why do i make these choices? what does this say about me?"
he said nice things, like he always does.
and then i asked him if it is all pride.
he shrugged and said, "probably."
(i think it's more like--*controlcontrolcontrol*)
so what do i do? 
i am only competing with myself and doesn't that seem silly?
i'm not interested in meeting any standards excepting the impossible ones i set for myself, my home, my children and my husband.
i need to let. it. go.
there are other standards, that are not my own, that are infinitely more important.
(Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable. Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise. phil. 4:8 love your neighbor as yourself  james4:8)
but i just keep grasping so tightly to the things that don't matter that you couldn't pry my fingers off if you tried.


Madre said...

I agree, that it sure is hard to "let go" of the way we want things to be. Maybe the reason we like having every thing a certain way is because there are a MILLION things we can't control in our lives!??! Who knows, but I always appreciate your sharing the things that you are thinking/feeling. It makes me stop and think about my life and the way I think and feel about things! I love you! madre xox

SarahV said...

The first thing that comes to mind is wisdom - seeing things the way God does. Pray for it earnestly and often. God will begin to show you what He views is important, and hopefully they will become more important to you too! It also might be good to find someone to keep you accountable. I'll be praying for you!

Alison said...

I too am a control freak......when my mother was ill and died several years ago I had panic attacks because I could not do anything to control the situation. I didn't learn then.
Fast forward a few years - my children became teenagers - they are good children and did not cause me any trouble yet still I wanted them to live the life I wanted them to live. About 18 months ago I decided I was just going to drive a wedge between us if I carried on plus they had to make a few mistakes, that's how you learn in life. Our relationship is much better and I feel much calmer as a person x