Did you ever have a moment where you finally decided, once and for all, that maybe you just aren't normal and maybe you just don't care if the whole world knows it? Did you ever have a moment where you just didn't care about keeping things inside, in check and you just kind of let it all out and loose in front of anyone and everyone without really minding what they thought of it all?
...It all started about a week ago. My girls have been sick off and on and I had stayed healthy through most of it but then it started...
a little tickle in my throat that I couldn't shake.
the tickle eventually turned into a cough, and the cough into some serious hack-age. I suffered through the sinus pains and pinches, the post nasal drip, the clogged head, the head that wouldn't clog back up, the sneezes and the general crappiness of it all for a few days. During these days I had a dental appt. which ended with the prognosis of
"No cavities!"
Oh, but are you sure? I've had some sensitivity on this side of my mouth.
Nope! No cavities! Absolutely zero cavities!"
Yay!
"Oh wait, now that you said something I see that there is a cavity. A tiny one. Make an appt." Boo!
So made the appt. I did and lucky me--there was one available the next night and not wanting to prolong the agony I accepted it. Meanwhile I was also getting a bit more sickly and did my best not to hack and cough all over the very nice, unintelligible Asian lady filling
my tooth.
Which then, after the filling (and NOT before) started to ache.
I chalked it up to novacaine and blowing my nose a lot and for the first few days ignored it. I didn't eat on that side of my mouth and avoided anything too hot or too cold. As the days went on the hurt grew....I mean, it hurt when the wind blew by my mouth as I was talking--I mean, not pretty.
So I went back today so they could "take a look." After waiting in the office for an hour and a half she tells me my tooth is fine.
But, I said, why does it HURT now? All. The. Time. It hurts when I eat, when I breathe, when I hold my breath, when I drink...always. It. Hurts.
Well, says she, if it hurts that badly we'll just wait a week and I'll give you a root canal.
Um, excuse me!??! I croaked.
How in the world does a $30 filling turn into an $800 root canal!?!?
She went on to defend that she did absolutely nothing wrong when filling my tooth and maybe I'm just too sensitive and need to just get the nerve taken out of it. I went on stating again that my tooth didn't hurt BEFORE she touched it, only after and apparently the cavity had been so small in the first place that the first dentist hadn't even seen it.
She shurgs and says,
"Try not to eat or drink anything cold or hot for the next week and we'll see."
Oh great! I just won't eat or drink anything of any temperature at all for the next week--that sounds awesome and I won't be able to take anything to dull the pain because I'm pregnant so I'll just suffer awesomely for a week, then get a root canal I can not afford and can not medicate and that'll be just awesome.
So I responded in the most logical way (and the only way I could at the time...)
I started crying.
I actually started crying when they took a second x ray, but I left that part out because that time I was only crying because I was tired and wanted to go home and was thinking about the time I was missing with my family and the money this was probably going to cost us and the nine million other things on my mind.
This time was an ugly cry--
had already warmed up with the hormonal/overwhelmed by things cry.
The nurse patted me on the shoulder, handed me a box of tissues and said,
"Don't worry, we'll get you pain medicine and....oh wait, you can't have any....right....so don't eat anything or drink anything hot or cold and you'll be just fine in a week...or you'll be worse and if you're worse then we'll see what we should do next week. Maybe just wait a few more weeks and...."
At this point I tuned out all sound as all I could hear was the heaving of my chest and all I could see was a blur of tears and all I could feel was the cascade running down everything and thinking,
"This is the most ridiculous I have ever felt."
So she ushered me, with her hand on my shoulder, to the front of the office, announcing loudly, "Please take care of Michelle, she isn't feeling well right now"
and I made my appointment and cried the entire time and couldn't say anything and the nosey receptionist kept trying to nudge the matter out of me...
"What's wrong dear? Are you ok? Will you be ok?"
And I just looked at her and cried and didn't make any attempt to not cry or to answer her.
And then I cried the entire way home and the whole time I put Maeve to bed and while I've been writing this.
And for now, I think I'll stop.
But it was one of those human moments when I just stood there staring at the waiting room full of people, who were all staring right back at me (not my imagination...eek) and cried and dabbed my tears and left with their tissue box under my arm and thought. Gosh, this isn't a very normal reaction I'm having right now but this is real and I'm feeling very human and I'm not ashamed that everyone knows it.
I think it would do us all a world of good, every once in a while, to be a little more human and real and alive in front of people--even if it's utterly humiliating--because being human and real and alive are the best gifts--even when it's most difficult to be that way.
So be real my peeps and maybe tell someone about it someday--because nothing is more encouraging than hearing that we're all human once in a while and that's totally ok.
Good night friends!
