Thursday, October 16, 2008

A *Sigh.... Says It All

I've been thinking a lot lately about the blessings in my life and at the top of the heap of all of those blessings are my husband and my sweet girls.
There are some blessings we receive in this life that don't look so much like blessings but in hindsight, you can see that they were indeed.
I just found out that yesterday, October 15, was the National Day of Remembrance for all pregnancy and infant loss, through a blog I happened upon.
I often think about the two children I lost to miscarriage and dream about
what they would have looked like
smelled like
felt like
dressed like (you know i can't help it)
lived like
Boys? Girls? Both?
(I can't wait to meet them in Heaven, what a blessing the thought is!)
Nothing ever grew me so hard or stretched me so much as the loss of my little ones.
May 22, 2006
and
December 5, 2006
will forever be etched in my memory.
For months and months my soul in agony cried out in anger, despair and rebellion to the Lord.
"Why did you take these from me? They were mine! Why are you letting me go through this? Feel this? I have lived my life for you! Where is my reward?!"
What a messed up, backwards thinker I was.
There is nothing in my life that isn't there by the grace of God,
nothing I have that doesn't belong to Him first,
nothing I have that isn't exactly what I need.
God is good.
I learned more through the devastating loss of my babies than through anything else I have ever experienced.
I have learned more about His grace, His presence, His power and His love through this loss which has never really lost its sting.
I can say I've healed because He healed me.
I can say I'm whole because I lived through being broken.
Just when I was at my lowest He lifted my eyes to see His face.
Not by my might have I recovered but by His.
Glory be to God and all praise be to His most excellent name.

12 comments:

Breezy said...

Oh, love. Thanks for such an honest post.

Julie said...

Oh, Shelly, I don't think I knew about your losses. I'm so sorry that you ever had to go through that. I truly can't relate, I can only imagine what I would feel.

How awesome that you have been able to let your heart be healed by our Saviour. It is an exciting thought to know that you will get to meet your babies someday in heaven! I myself am looking forward to several family members that I never got to meet, including my three older brothers, and two of Ande's younger brothers.

Why do we hold on to life "here" when there's so much more going on in heaven???

Anyway, thanks for sharing that. Praising God right along with you, sista!

Pamela said...

Three people close to me in the real time have had that experience, and that doesn't count me. I'm glad that you have been blessed by the events in your life, and haven't become a bitter old dame. There's nothing quite as good as being transformed by The One.

charmed1 said...

You're a strong woman,Shelle. I don't know if I could handle something like that.

Megan and Company said...

Why do we hold on to life "here" when there's so much more going on in heaven???

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
So abundantly true!!

SarahV said...

i'm sending you an internet hug :) i can't wait to meet them either!!!

Melody said...

I can so relate to you on this one, Shelly.

I miscarried my first baby at 13 weeks, in April of 05'. Seriously was the suckiest thing ever, but God is so good!

tjskidsncritters said...

We were not aware of your recent losses! Although not like your experience, both myself and my wife have experienced loss, in recent years and in the past. My words of wisdom are what you already posted - TRUST GOD! We will not have all the answers here, but we will have all the blessings of heaven!

A Repletion of Reverie said...

reading what you write makes me happy. Ryleigh is going to have a superb role model in Aunt Michelle!

Devin said...

December 12, 2007.

And everything you just said is exactly my story as well.

Thank you for putting my thoughts into words--we seem to share so many things in common....

I'm so glad to have a bloggie friend who understands exactly the thoughts and emotions I have, and who so eloquently puts it into words.

Sheri said...

Very true! I don't have any other words....

Blessings!

Ree said...

I understand exactly what you are going through!! I lost my first baby/pregnancy at 12 weeks. I was then blessed with my 2 boys. But when the youngest was 9 mos. old I lost another. It is one of the most devastating things a mother can experience!!
I was graced by God again with my darling little Princess many years later!!
Everything Happens For A Reason...I believe this, though we do not always understand why and may never know!!
We just have to believe it was His will!
And just think--we wouldn't have the precious babies we do that followed!!